This is what, I suppose, amounts to an honest disclosure of my struggles with my faith.
Friends that know me tend tend to joke about how I tend to post “deep comments” on life, love, and death. Yet, for me, I don’t find them deep, instead, I fund them indicative of what I constantly think about, worry about, and hope about. I hardly have it all together and behind all those posts is an individual that struggles with many of the things he holds or wants to hold to be true. How I act implicitly reflects an internal and constantly waging argument of the validity of what I believe, the consistency of what I believe and over the absurdity of life.
I have a strong belief in truth. That is to say that I have a strong conviction that there is a reality that exists and that there are objective statements that are invariably correct. Not only do I believe in truth, but I also have a deep conviction that you can know truth. These beliefs seem to be in many ways, I think, an odd thing to hold. It is an odd thing, not because I think they are wrong, but because this world today seems to be a world where our existence has given the utmost importance to the individual and that everything has then become relative. In this world of tolerance and individual freedom, objective truth is an increasingly foreign idea as the flood of cultures makes popularly holding to a dogmatic standard of truth seemingly untenable. I appreciate this, and a recognition of the issues present in my culture today have put me at wits end as I seek to elucidate and justify what I believe to myself.
I have chosen to reject the absurd, that life has no intrinsic meaning apart that from which we give it, and have taken as true the premodern notion of a supreme being capable of determining ultimate truth. I believe that there is something that is ipsum esse subsistens , the subsistent essence, upon whom all this world is contingent. I have also chosen to believe, for a variety of reasons, that this being of being is the Christian God.
It’s an odd thing really, because in one large sense I hate the church, I hate christianity, and yet I have chosen to be a part of that community of faith and in so doing I have chosen to love Christianity even though I may, in many respects dislike it. Religion might carry with it a sense of meaning, reality, and truth, but at the same time I find a right criticism in the writings of people such as Feuerbach, and even Christians of the liberal stream (Kant especially, Kirkegaard among them) in the failing of orthodox Christianity. I struggle (not as much an I once did) to believe in this God that is ipsum esse because I see so little of worth in this broken world . Not only is that most fundamental of all theistic struggles something that I struggle with, but I also struggle with an honest attempt to deal with the church. I see exactly what outsiders see in the church: it’s too political, it’s homophobic , it’s judgmental. And, you know, that’s a struggle. It’s a continual struggle to look past the failings of a church that preaches sin yet grace, but instead acts in judgement and hypocrisy . What does this world need? Jesus Christ. But then why is it then that those with grace cannot look past their own seeming holiness to love the broken, comfort the weary, and treat with seriousness the hard question of the faith (why does God exist? Why is there suffering?). Christianity says we’re broken, but Christian culture rarely admits its brokenness and the broken struggle on alone .
I think that Christianity is a true humanism. It teaches that each and every person has worth and dignity because they are made in the image of God. In this society that values money and wealth and disparages the poor and homeless (among others) this is a powerful message, that when carried to it’s end causes people to go where no one else will — to the poor, the sick, the dying — because those people are worthy of help no matter their circumstances or functional worth from job or skill. I believe it teaches true freedom, because it teaches that we can go beyond selfishness to love the other (God first and the rest of humanity second) totally and completely as the object of our lives. And then it gives the crux: mere humans might become partakers of the divine nature, we might ascend to share in the glory of an omnipotent God by the renewal of our life and this world! And yet though Christianity speaks of one Church, it is divided and those therein continue to divide. And though this Christian humanism can end war, and eliminate poverty, the rich get richer and the poor, poorer because of an alignment of Christianity with conservative politics. The Church may be made of broken people, but it seems so often that the broken don’t even try to adhere to what is good and right theology, the logical ramifications of what they, what we believe. It’s also odd because I at times feel so alone and melancholy that it is so easy to remember that what I believe should also tell me that I have worth and dignity, that my failures as a person do not define me, and that though I am broken, I am yet complete.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the Church, but I so often struggle with what I believe because of her members. Where is that rest that supposedly exists, where is that truth that I have so earnestly struggled to find and to hold?
Where, O Church is thy beauty, and where O Christ is thy peace and mercy.
 my life philosophy is quite odd
 While I, at this point, affirm a traditional interpretation of homosexuality, the treatment of homosexuals within evangelicalism leaves much to be desire
 I love this world, but like a person dies in syria every ten minutes, and the ever present question of fairness amidst a church that is apathetic about human suffering and proliferation of the gospel, two things I view as logical outcomes of a strong Christian theism.
 I think my most lasting memory will be the statement that “the reason people have to wear braces is because of all the interracial marriages. I mean people with a smaller mouth marry people with a larger mouth. Yes, God created only one race, but somethings are meant to be” Yes, in some places racism exists in the 21st century even if current theology has denied this for quite some time. It’s probably because I was wearing braces when I heard this . . . and I’m Asian, one of the small mouths people apparently.
 I heard a homosexual christian speak, and I think that the most important point was “if a homosexual comes out to you, thank them” because it reflects the “we are holy” attitude that permeates the church. In my case I refer to a certain anti-intellectualism, but the point is still the same.